I don’t know where I belong in videogames anymore. I don’t know what I want from being in videogames anymore. It’s a weird position to find myself in.
There’s reasons. I know the reasons.
I can’t stress enough how tough the past few years have been. Life outside videogames has been pretty full. Two years ago, Mrs B narrowly avoided snuffing it by having her innards replumbed in a rather extreme fashion. Too narrowly, really. Picking up the pieces from that has been achingly slow work for everyone in here. Mrs B still has a long road ahead. Everyone here has their own things to contend with too.
I’m in a better position, health wise, than I was this time last year because at least I have meds to fall back on now but obviously, pain doesn’t magic away. The speed my own health went to shit sort of knocked me for six. I’ve long had pain, long suffered headaches, long battled depression but the sheer frequency and ferocity of my ills by this time last year had meant just about everything ended up stalled. Now, I have a lot of that managed but between pills and duties, I’m just so fucking tired, so often. What I’ve lost in pain and anxiety, I’ve gained in exhaustion.
So I have to manage with what I can manage. That’s fine, I’m fine with that. It just means reassessing a lot of things, yeah? I can’t be the person a few years back that was ready to make the best arcade videogame on a Sony box and then make more and more. I can’t be me before everything took a turn.
I can’t easily write thousands upon thousands of words a month about being in games either. Not anymore. I’ve mentioned it in the past but my memory isn’t so great now. It’s not that I can’t write, it’s that keeping a coherent thought for 2,000 words isn’t easy to begin with and I’ve got so much more pressing stuff taking up brainspace lately. Besides, I sort of feel like I’ve said what I need to say and anything now is just repeating myself over and over and over.
I burnt out. It’s only been a few weeks since I’ve been able to sit at a computer properly without either staring into space or having an anxiety attack or managing some skillful combo of both. That took rather longer to settle than I’d expected. It’s nice to be vaguely back though, even if it has involved a lot of Peggle to get me there. Peggle is good. Peggle 2 even more so.
So yeah, there’s reasons. Plenty more that I won’t go into too, from other life stuff to being heartbroken that all this stuff going on meant DRM2 development absolutely floundered. I’m not complaining here, it’s just… this is where I’m at right now. I’m coming off the back of the most stressful and painful few years of my existence (which given that I’ve nearly died twice in the past ten years probably gives you some idea of just how stressful things have been) so of course things are going to be a mess. Of course things are a mess.
But what to do? That’s what I’m trying to figure out now. So much stuff I’ve mentioned here is the past. It weighs heavy some days but there’s still a future to consider. I’m trying to work out where that future lies. The past is a lens to the why things are, not the future.
I know I still want to make videogames but how? Why? What do I want from them? The Rob of 2000 wanted different things to the Rob of 2004, the Rob of 2004 was a world apart from 2008 and so on. I accept things change, I just need to spin myself round a few times, stop and find my direction.
I don’t know where me of 2018 fits into videogames. I’m not sure how life in videogames in the year of our Molyneux 2018 fits around me. It’s a lot. I know what I can’t do, what I can’t be. I’m just not sure what I can do and can be just yet.
I’m thinking about it though. I’m definitely thinking about it.
You don’t get rid of me that easily, after all.